Ax the Guilt

"I feel so guilty. I haven't made a decent meal all week. I had to tell my daughter no, we don't have money for her to have a huge birthday party with all her friends. And my work is piling up on my desk."

Judy "um-hum" and then cleared her throat. "And ... just what is it you've done wrong?"

"Excuse me?" I asked. "What do you mean?"

"The way I see it," she commented. "You're trying your hardest. You're seeking God, and giving your best to your kids. You're not doing anything wrong. In fact, sounds like "false guilt" syndrome is robbing your joy!"

My jaw dropped open at Judy's words. She was right. I was doing my best, but sometimees my best didn't seem good enough. More importantly, I didn't have joy-not joy as a mother nor joy in any other area of my life-because I was focused on what wasn't "perfect" rather than all the good things in my life.

That day, Judy gave me one of the best gifts ever. My friend stood up to my defense and declared, "Not guilty, Your honor!" It was just what I needed to hear. How about you? Do you need help axing the guilt out of your life? Here are six suggestions:

1. Distinguish from healthy guilt and false guilt. Healthy guilt is conviction from God in order for you to make a change in your life. For example, if you feel guilty every time the offering plate is passed around at church (because you haven't been contributing lately) that guilt is most likely a nudge from the Holy Spirit that you need to make a change.

More common is false guilt. False guilt is that little voice in your head that is quick to point out the many areas in which you are coming short-some of which are even beyond your control! Such as the fact you didn't bring homemade cookies to your child's class, or forget to call your brother on his birthday, or the guilt that yard looks the worst on the block (despite the fact your lawn mower broke). How easy it is to tag ourselves with the worst parent, worst sibling, worst neighbor award!

Whether your guilt is healthy or false, consider it a warning signal that there is an issue in your life that needs to be addressed. Sometimes self-evaluation will lead to change. Other times it may lead us to our knees where we can turn our unfulfilled desires or unrealistic expectations over to God.

To see where you stand on the guilt-meter, get a piece of paper and list five things you feel guilty about. Then . . . take time to consider this question:
Should these things make me feel guilty?
Do I need make a different plan or hit my knees?
How does God view this issue? What does His word say about it?

Then listen up.

2. Refuse to compare your weaknesses with someone else's strengths. You might find yourself comparing your parenting with your friends' or with the perfect Christian couple at church. Then again, they might be doing the same with you! Guilt can also come from the very resources we turn to for help.

"I feel most parenting books give unrealistic steps that promise perfection, if only I'll follow their exact formula," says Amy Wallace, mother of three. "I've realized I won't hit 'perfect' this side of heaven."

To ax the guilt, realize parenting books and articles are simply tools and suggestions. Pick and choose what will work for you, and toss the rest.

3. Get a good night's sleep. My most emotional, guilt-filled days are ones in which my body is running on empty. Though it's hard to stop at the end of the day, the day will never arrive when everything is done. There will always be, "just one more thing."

Instead of staying up late, I remind myself I'm able to handle my tasks and my emotions when I'm recharged and reliant on God's strength for the new day ahead.

4. Give yourself a gold-star for what you do right! We all need a little encouragement, but if you're like me you're more likely to notice your failures than successes. Turn this around by complimenting yourself on the challenges you've handled well. Affirmation is a greater motivator than criticism, for everyone ... including ourselves.

5. Model God's grace. "Bringing grace into the relationship brings security and confidence to your kids. They have a much easier time finding meaning, love, and purpose for their lives. They have a much easier time understanding the grace of God's love when they have seen it modeled by their parents," writes Jim Burns, author of Confident Parenting. "Ultimately, grace is a process, not an event."

Accepting grace is celebrating what God has done, will do, and is doing in our lives. The "never good enough" trap focuses on us and our works. Modeling grace means believing, I'm not doing things perfectly, but Jesus loves me and helps me where I am.
Just like Psalm 138:8 says, "The Lord will perfect that which concerns me" (Amplified Bible).

6. Decide what things matter most in light of eternity. Most of my guilt comes from "things" I can't give my children, whether they are time, opportunities, or possessions. It helps to remember what will last beyond today. In the long run, my most important job a parent is to insure my children are protected and loved to the best of my ability ... rather than perfectly comfortable.

How can I make sure they have the love and protection they need? The ultimately place of safety and love is placing my children in the arms of my God. Whenever I feel guilty, it helps to think of what will last. Not only for today and tomorrow, but for eternity. Taking our children to church, reading them the Bible, praying together and worship should be our first priority, beyond that everything else we do or give pales in comparison.

y Tricia Goyer, author of Generation NeXt Parenting

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